ADAM BAKER

Since joining us from some lesser university (Oxford Brookes I think?) Adam has demonstrated his ability of being able to underachieve on a weekly basis. Despite promising us that he’s really rather good, Adam is yet to win a serious doubles tournament at Warwick. But that said, Adam is a mean defender and the only player at Warwick who has any idea of how to deal with a snake (possibly because he’s the only player to have left campus). His shooting from the back isn’t that bad either. Thinks he’s our best player, but isn’t- Warwick’s illustrious captain, Mr Adam Baker!

Ranking status: Garlando pro

Dan’s game suffers from a two-fold curse: namely playing with Ken in doubles, and shooting a snake without knowing what to do. Throw into this a complete disregard for Warwick’s league system (you can’t come because you’re going on a skiing holiday? Pah!) and you have one of Warwick’s finest players. Equally at home in defence and attack, Dan has one of the best defender shots at Warwick and can move the ball about like nobody’s business up front. It certainly makes me wake up in cold sweats at night...

DANIEL KINGSTON

HARRY CUMMINGS

Harry is a top-notch shot blocker, whose defender shooting has improved threefold over the past year (3 goals in 2005 alone!). Like all true pros, Harry learnt his skills on the trusty Harvard table and then transferred across to the lesser Garlando model. Despite all his talent, Harry’s abilities will always place second best to his stunning partner Philip. Ultimately Harry understands that the only times he will get to see the ball in doubles match is when Philip is busy signing autographs mid-sweatball. He might be cursed to always live in his partner’s shadow, but Harry should be grateful for any glory that does rub off on him. I heard the other day that somebody wanted to touch his hands, until they realised that they’d ‘got the wrong one!’ Harry is also the resident webmaster of http://www.warwickfoos.co.uk , and without him nothing would ever get done.

Philip is undoubtedly Warwick’s finest player, and possibly the greatest player the country has produced for the past fifty years (his grandfather, Lieber von Pratten won gold at the 1936 Olympics). While his defending skills may leave a bit to be desired, this is only because the ball hasn’t gone behind his 5-bar in the past 13 years. Philip’s snake has been described as ‘laughable,’ (presumably because that’s all you can do when you know he’s going to score) and he is the co-founder of the now legendary ‘Brush and Punt’™ shot. It’s only a matter of time before Phil stops feeling sorry for you lot and actually wins something. Philip also enjoys walks in the park, and referring to himself in the third-person. Just incase there are any interested ladeyyzz out there.

PHILIP PRATT

KENNITH LEONG

Our esteemed president ‘Cheating’ Ken has developed an innate ability since coming to Warwick in scoring goals where no goals have been scored before. With speed as his main asset, Ken is able to move and hit the ball so quickly that it has to go in somewhere. Luckily for him, his magic weapon (known as the ‘cheating hat’) usually ensures this is in the opposing team’s net. A blinding performance at last year’s Oxford tournament (I forgot exactly how many wins Ken?) was only just pipped by his doubles performance at Reading. A player to watch out for- if only to see how ten skanky goals can be scored with nine balls.

Tom is Warwick’s latest recruit from Geoff Brice’s training academy, and since then has proceeded to show Warwick just how rubbish we really are. Although Tom suffers through playing with a somewhat lacking partner (hi Tom!) he still seems to win just about everything that comes his way. Tom has also been described as Warwick's 'fruitiest' player by a certain chairperson of the BFA. Adam would be keen to point out that had he been able to attend all of our Group Playing Sessions, he would have most probably beaten Tom this year. Tom would be equally keen to point out that that’s Adam’s own fault for choosing to have a life outside of table football.

TOM BURDETT

JAMES HAMON

James suffers from a terrible self-loathing concerning table football- he’s desperately aware that table football doesn’t fit in with his narcissism/nihilistic view of life, and yet still comes back for more. James is responsible for setting up Warwick’s singles league and is equally at home in attack and defence. That is to say, he’s rubbish at both. James is also apparently Warwick’s publicity officer- although I’m not entirely sure why. Someday he might explain.

Thom ‘The Fool’ Hampson is Warwick’s resident joker. That is to say, we laugh at rather than with. Somehow Tom managed to wriggle his way onto the exec, and since then has managed to attend one obligatory meeting. What a trooper. But despite this Tom is one of Warwick’s best new players and has already managed to win the first two doubles tournaments of the year. Given time he might come to accept that we only humour him because it’s less effort than having to beat him. He has an excellent dummy shot though, and his eclipse has to be seen to be believed.

THOMAS HAMPSON

JONATHAN CULVER

Jon is another new recruit to the exec team, and has recently organised Warwick’s first ever Mixed Doubles tournament. Since Jon has recently become adamant that he isn’t going to learn any shots that require ‘slowing the ball down,’ his devotion to walloping the ball has increased tenfold. Most of his energies are now split between explaining why the snake is illegal, and insisting that a quarter of a pint is the key difference between winning and losing in table football. Although his motivational skills are somewhat lacking, his blocking and 2-bar shooting more than make up for it. Plus he bought me a drink once… which was nice.