MATT TREADWELL, Oxford

Matt took over as captain of Oxford Uni from the infamous John 'El Capitan' Worthington for the 2003/4 academic year. Matt follows a long line of exceptional captains from St Catherines College, dating back 5 years since I was there (should I be saying this?).

Awaiting a propper profile - Matt please let me know what you want and also whether the profiles below written by John 'Ego' W need amending.

Regular Haunts: Purple Turtle, Oxford; Temple Bar, Oxford

“Delicate-hands Dave” is the Michael Flatley of the team. His range of high kicks and jigs would put any professional nonce to shame. Some do it for balance; Dave does it to look good.

A solid all-round player, Dave is credited (by Dan Gallon I should add) as being the best shot-stopper in the Uni. For this reason he is paired with John Worthington, surely the best own goal scorer in the Uni.

In fact when Dave gets one of these “Shots” we hear mentioned so often, the pair will be unstoppable.

Regular Haunts: Purple Turtle, Oxford; Temple Bar, Oxford

Ranking status: Garlando Semi-Pro

DAVID MORGAN, Oxford

PADDY GROVER, Oxford

“Moaning” Paddy is the, shall we say, vocal member of the team. Never afraid to voice his opinions about anything whether they be moans, whinges or simply whines.

On the table, Paddy is a silent and deadly opponent. He is easily the most improved player of the last year, watching and learning everything he sees.

Paddy’s near-man tap bang and (both-way?) snake are dreaded shots. If he had a midfield he might be able to use them a bit.

Regular Haunts: Purple Turtle, Oxford; Temple Bar, Oxford

“Crap” Dan is the Elder statesman of Oxford Table Football. He single handedly resurrected the game from oblivion and brought it to the level we see today. Both Dave and John are proud to carry on the job he started. When he leaves this Christmas, it will be a sore loss for Oxford.

Now I’ve been nice to him, I’ll take the piss so he doesn’t think I like him.

Dan’s shots range from the slow drag, right through to the slow-straight-one. His inability to get a shot past someone who is concentrating is the only thing that has kept him from winning a major European title. Or maybe even the World Masters.

His defence is consistent. He consistently lets in the snake, the tap-bang, the pull, the push and the stright-one. Don’t try and dink him though. He’s got that one sussed.

Playing with Ben Greedy, we often see the inspired switch leading to a win. When you play with Dan in attack, you’ll get a lesson on just how an attacker should hold the men up. Seriously though, with the ball in attack, Dan can be on fire.

He drags them from the left

He drags them from the right

He slams it home without a fight

Dan Gallon, Dan Gallon!

Regular Haunts: Purple Turtle, Oxford; Temple Bar, Oxford

Ranking status: Garlando Semi-Pro, Tornado Semi-Pro

DAN GALLON, Oxford

MARK NEWSON, Oxford

“Oneshot” Mark is an all-rounder. He turns up for Uni trials all year round.

His performances this year have been strong though and his one shot, the push from the near man, is still all he needs to put goals past people. When will they learn?

Mark has so far captained the Duke to an impressive place in the League and his spot on the Uni team is still waiting for him.

The only concern is his ponytail, and whether he only puts so much effort into the push shot cos it makes his hair flap about like one of the birds in a Pantene advert.

Regular Haunts: Purple Turtle, Oxford; Temple Bar, Oxford

“Traitor” Naeem has pulled it out of the bag in the last year. From obscurity in Corpus 1, Naeem turned up to Uni practices and showed what he had. The tippy-tappy-tippy-circle-tippy-circle-tappy-circle-circle-circle-tippy-tappy- tippy-tappy-tippy-circle-tippy-circle-tappy-circle-circle-circle-tippy-tappy- BANG! I think I might have missed a tippy somewhere.

Due to resounding lack of success enjoyed by Corpus 1, at the end of the season Naeem looked deep into his black heart and jumped ship to the Duke for 1st division table football.

How he plays so well in Hi-tec trainers I’ll never know. How he lives with the depths of his treacherousness, no one will ever know.

Regular Haunts: Purple Turtle, Oxford; Temple Bar, Oxford

NAEEME KAKA, Oxford

CHRIS DARK, Oxford

Not many table football players model themselves on obscure ex-Derby county footballers, but Paulo One shot certainly does. No one quite knows how he finds the enthusiasm to do the same pass and shoot the same shot every single time he gets the ball. The biggest question is whether Chris is actually a robot or a real life human.

In all seriousness Chris is a top bloke and we all love him, and really enjoy having him on the team.

Incidentally Chris is currently the only member of the team to have passed the university minibus driving test.

Regular Haunts: Purple Turtle, Oxford; Temple Bar, Oxford